The New Year’s wishes fill my inbox (tomorrow, the Jewish Year 5770 begins…) and the apple crumble is cooling, but I’m not that ready, and I’m not that into it.
A time for introspection, repentance, and resolutions?
A day of judgment, talking to God, and mild religious / spiritual anxiety?
A lot of shopping, cooking, hosting, gifting, family?
Why is this day different than all the other days? (Oops. That last one. Wrong holiday.)
I’m not sure how we got from May to September, the summer having melted against the back of my neck as I worked. Somehow for years I’ve felt like I am never DONE, always crossing off something undone and moving it to another crowded day only to move it again… And before you know it, it’s three months (or three years) later, but there is a continuous feeling to that time because those tasks are STILL undone, still brought forward in the filofax. Familiar friends. As if it was yesterday. (It occurs to me that perhaps this is why I leave stuff undone…. But I digress.)
That feeling of being new and renewed, of trembling before a power larger than yourself, of acknowledging that everything and everyone you have is a gift and hoping that you’ve earned those again, of deciding what it is you will do different….Those are things that are continuous, as well. Shoving them all into two days and then moving on with life after the holidays is not my style. Compartmentalizing angst would be cool, but I can’t do it, any more than I can compartmentalize the chores of running a home that hosts family and friends regularly on weekends.
So no, I’m not ready and I’m not done and I’m not inspired. Any more than I always or never am. That may be because I’m hanging on to yesterday, or because time scares the crap out of me in general, or because I’m just a super aware spiritual chic, or because I don’t like sudden shifts in schedule, but whatever the reason – the New Year is making me nervous because I am not even remotely finished with the old one.
Can I save this one in the package and open it when I’m ready? Ya’ll go ahead without me.
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